I hope you enjoy it and some of the other articles in their site are very useful too.

So it’s interesting me to consider why some of my clients are really good at this “developing yourself” stuff and others know that it’s important but don’t make time to learn and grow. To me, it seems possible that the majority of this boils down to the fact that there is often little or even no reason to develop yourself. The majority of us don’t set goals, or don’t believe that we can achieve them. We often don’t stretch ourselves as we have a wonderful thing called a comfort zone that feels ok. So is it really any surprise that the majority of people don’t invest much time or attention to their development?

A really useful question if you are considering developing yourself is “why?” Why do you want to become more than you are? If there is no real clear answer to this, then it’s not likely that the development we do is going to achieve anything. Define your purpose: What is the real reason that you need to stretch and grow? What will you do as the new you that is different to today? Is that important enough for you to go through the growth now?

If the answer is no, it’s not important enough, or if you find that your motivation towards your development is not there, then getting back to basics of looking at your life purpose and your goals is the most important step to take. Without that destination and the desire and hunger to get to the destination, it is likely that the development will never take place. I believe that everyone has everything they need within them already to make wonderful journeys and grow and develop into their most incredible visions of themselves, if they are clear on their reasons for taking the journey.

The coach and self-improvement junkie in me really wants to say that fears increase or decrease only through our thoughts and feelings about them. People have considerably different approaches to their fears and although there are not many people who you’ll find who can genuinely say they do not fear anything, there are a good many who are able to overcome their fears. I guess the question of age relates to our fears changing as we approach the mid to late stages of our life. Is it possible then that this can be linked to our aging body and perhaps a perceived frailty that that brings?

An answer to this question “how do fears change with age” is not truly complete without looking at the whole of the life-cycle. When we are born, our fears and concerns are around milk, warmth, close contact with people etc. As we grow, our fears evolve as we are subjected to the fears of our parents, carers, teachers and other people who have responsibility for our welfare. These childhood fears are further enhanced by the media around us and our relative lack of ability to understand the world around us (compared to the adult mind).

Next, for most of us, our fears surround work, money, relationships, children, family etc. Then they swiftly move onto growing old and this issue of frailty and being cared for in our twilight years. I suppose for most of us, there is a fear of death throughout our lives, which may increase as we get older and it becomes more imminent.

I genuinely believe that the majority of our fears can be understood and overcome and although I am not yet old enough to know, my hope is that my own experience of fear will continue to lessen as I get older and understand myself better. To me, fear becomes a major issue when it is not understood, or it is not faced or challenged in anyway. I really am looking forward to your thoughts on this, please feel free to comment.

In my life coaching sessions, and indeed also my executive coaching sessions,  the majority of the actual work is done by the client. They are, after all, the person with all the questions and often the vast majority of the answers. From my own experience, working with good coaches, it feels to me like you are sitting there having a conversation with another version of yourself. The coach asks questions that prompt you to think about your topic in a different way, or helps you consider options and outcomes for the situation. Frequently, the coach asks questions that you feel painful or you perhaps do not want to face up to, but my experience of being on the receiving end of those questions is that you have the most to gain from answering them.

During a life coaching session, the coach will frequently not speak and allow silence to flourish. My experience of these moments as a client, are wonderful - when faced with nothing else to think about than what is on your mind, the thoughts, ideas and answers that flow from you are incredible. The challenge we have in our lives is that we do not normally make time or space for this silence in which we can allow these thoughts, ideas and answers to emerge. As well, we do not generally have someone with us to keep us on track when our mind inevitably wanders.

One of the greatest gifts a coach can offer, besides helping to make change and happiness in your life, is the opportunity to be truly heard and understood. There are so few people in our lives who really “get” us or who have the time to do so and I find that many people who I coach, have not previously had the opportunity at all. Sometimes in my life coaching sessions, just a half-hour or hour of being understood can generate incredible changes in mood, emotion, thoughts, feelings and enable people to feel happy.

I believe there is a magic in coaching that is very difficult to describe, however the great thing is that it’s easy to enjoy the benefits, even if you can’t describe the magic.

I’m currently of the opinion that positive thinking is vital, but we need to add the other two parts to complete the process. These two parts are words and actions. I remember something from my childhood about “thought, word and deed” which is a useful phrase here. The idea that thoughts create words, which in turn create deeds (or actions) and the actions create that which we want.

The first position here (certainly the one which I first occupied) is the belief that positive thinking is a load of rubbish, new-age thinking that doesn’t get anyone anywhere in life, because you have to work hard to get anywhere etc, etc. There is certainly value in this belief, I perhaps would question if this is the most blind place to be as this type of person is unlikely to consider the possibility that they may be wrong. Of course I’m not saying that they are!

The second position, where simply by thinking, we can create whatever we want is a wonderful place to be (provided it is working out for us) otherwise there is the possibility that we will go back to the first position or will decide that the third position is more appropriate. This position is perhaps on the surface the most appealing, because it involves very little responsibility and action on our parts. I personally have spent a good deal of my life in this place, however the lack of results may also be attributed to a lack of belief in my goals.

The third position, where I am currently choosing to reside, recognises the value of positive thinking and believes that it is a tool for us to create words and actions that will bring our desires into our reality. To me this is enormously attractive as my joy in life is often found in the journey towards my goals, although they taste pretty sweet when they arrive! The sense of achievement that my thoughts, words and actions have created is a wonderful reward in itself.

I am not a proponent of any type of thinking, I believe that the value of life is to think what you like. I simply ask you to consider your thoughts on this question, even if you think like me, consider the value of the other positions and question your own belief and thinking to either strengthen or create a new way of thinking that is better suited to you. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts, ideas or opinions on this question.

I hope you will find this simple thing as rewarding as I have over the last few years.

On behalf of Aquarius Coaching, please accept my wishes for an incredible year ahead and we look forward to working with so many of you and your goals, dreams and aspirations in the times ahead.

Kind regards, Dan O’Neil

Thanks, Dan O’Neil

When I look about and consider the people who I admire, or consider to be living life, rather than simply existing, they appear to be treating life in this way. The playground is a safe place to explore and discover yourself, your environment, other people and ways of communicating and interacting with all these things.

Children have a wonderful approach to life, especially in their early years and this way of playing, exploring, developing and learning is something that I try and use in my adult life and growth. There’s an element to this whole process that I am not taking myself too seriously, if I make mistakes, then that’s all part of play and discovery. When I do something well, I am able to celebrate the achievement and when others do something well I find joy in celebrating their success with them.

So I encourage you to think of your own life as your playground and to enjoy all the experiences and learnings that it has to offer.

Part of my Coaching training has been around designing the alliance - a way of interacting with a client to maximise the use of the time, create direction and purpose for the coaching sessions and establish a successful working partnership. I’ve employed the same principle in some of my personal interactions, with friends and family to great success.

This question though, “are you happy with…” has, for me, some wonderful implications. What a beautiful way of checking how a personal relationship is going! Imagine asking your wife, husband, partner, child, friend, boss, co-worker, etc.,  “are you happy with the way I’m handling our relationship?” To ask such a thing and truly intend to have a positive, co-creative conversation that will enhance an existing relationship is an extraordinary thing to do.

It seems a shame that most people get to the stage where things are really bad in communication with each other before they step in and try and patch things up. Most of the time, of course, this takes the form of blame: “you did this”, “I’m not happy with you”, “you’re always like this” etc. In order that we can create wonderful, positive and enriching relationships, I suggest that we consider what Collette from BT took the courage to ask me… “How am I doing here? Is this working for you? How can we improve this thing we have?”

I hope that you are blessed with wonderful relationships and these ideas may serve you to see how far you can go with them!

When all the children and the teachers were finished, a few of the parents were invited to make the journey and light a candle. When my turn came I had noticed that one of the candles had gone out and I instinctively re-lit it before placing my candle.

Two things really grabbed me, the first was the journey that each child or teacher made to light their candle and then leave it somewhere along the way, the second was the fact that every now and again, one of the candles went out and it took someone else to re-light it. For me the candles represent a person shining brightly - when all the candles shine together the light increases. When a light goes out, it takes another to help to re-light it, for me this is a large part of my journey. I find the process of being a Coach immensely rewarding and to be able to help people find their light within is an extraordinary privilege.

This made me laugh and I happily crossed the road and went into a shop. As I was standing in the queue, someone said, “excuse me, were you just crossing over the crossing?” “Yes”, I replied. “I’m ever so sorry about that, I was so busy focusing on turning right that I forgot about the crossing”, said the man. “That’s ok,” I said, “we all make mistakes. I really appreciate you coming and finding me.”

Now I have to respect the self-responsibility and courage this man displayed, by going out of his way to apologise for his mistake. I call this making good. When you make a mistake that may inconvenience, irritate or even hurt another person, to make good, by way of apology, or taking action to correct the mistake as soon as possible shows a huge amount of responsibility.

In a society where we seem to constantly blame others, or even sue them for our misfortunes, it is enormously refreshing to find people taking responsibility for themselves and their actions. I am grateful for the experience today and for the apology.

The real thing here is to establish how you get into that place and then how do you maintain it? To me it boils down to having a purpose or meaning that you are single-mindedly committed to. In that place you are full of confidence (even if a little nervous excitement is present) and great things seem to happen. I think I’ve mentioned before that an old mentor of mine had an expression “Moments of Intensity” and certainly these feel like them.

So how do you find your purpose or meaning? Well, that’s a tough one. I’ve recommended Viktor Frankl’s book, “Man’s Search For Meaning” which will undoubtedly help. I believe that the first place to start is to consider the roles that you have in your life, such as parent, partner, child, sibling, employee, boss, business owner etc and find things in there that you can begin to define your meaning. The bottom line is to find what your life is all about, which is as simple as you stating what that is. As Neale Donald Walsch says in The Secret, there is no blackboard in the sky with your purpose written on it that you have to find. It is your responsibility to define it for yourself and then live your life to the full, expressing yourself through that purpose. There certainly can be more than one, of course one is a good place to start.

The first workshop is on Saturday 26th January 2008 and will be held at SoundBites in Derby. The workshop runs from 10am to 5pm and costs £40 including lunch and refreshments. You can view details and book by clicking here.

This post is also a useful time to show off the new look blog which we have now converted to WordPress for greater flexibility.

The fix part of this is not designed to be a negative look at your year, for me there is no value in this. Fix is to do with anything that you have achieved or things you have done which you can improve on for the future. This can be a very valuable session to have in Coaching as it can really help clear the way for focus on the coming year and your goals and desires.

How to deal with the items on your list that haven’t been done? Well, start by considering if they are still things you wish to achieve and are still excited about. Then if you are, they can go on next year’s plan if appropriate. If there are things on there you feel you should have done, then make a new commitment to yourself to get them done. To spend time concentrating on why you haven’t done it is not usually productive and ends up in self-criticism and lower self-esteem and confidence.

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In our family it has become a part of bedtime routine and is really a part of who we are as a family. The very act of being grateful focuses our minds on what is positive and beautiful in our lives. As this becomes habit, you find yourself looking out for things to be grateful for and maximizing every moment.

We also follow up with an intention, which is our place to make a commitment to an action and hold ourselves accountable to ourselves.

I’m grateful to have this opportunity to celebrate who I am every day and offer this idea to you to see if it works in your life.

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For me, it is often the apparent sheer volume of items on my to-do list coupled with some imminent deadlines that triggers this kind of situation. I know the consequences of ploughing on and not taking a step back and I know the benefits of doing so.

Most often, a quick 10 minutes of re-evaluating and prioritising does the trick and is well worth the time spent. The other times, usually I find it best to be honest with myself and deal with the possible issues before they arrive - e.g. Letting any affected parties know that I will not be finished on time.

Of course in an ideal world, our lists of tasks are completed on time and we do not become overwhelmed… However in the real world, to me the best course of action is to deal with the challenges as they become apparent. Most often they can be overcome and deadlines can be shifted before they are missed. This is self-responsibility.

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